Yesterday the 49ers suffered the first Super Bowl loss in franchise history. The game was on it’s way to being a blowout until the 49ers locker room guy took drastic measures and turned out the stadium lights that stirred a nearly epic comeback. But alas, the 49ers couldn’t recover from a terrible first half performance and Ray Lewis didn’t have to stab anyone over a loss. As the city of San Francisco and other 49ers fans weep over the lack of Muni bus fires and parades due to the loss, the rest of the world takes focus on the other form of The Big Game entertainment: the commercials.
Sometime in the early 2000’s, commercials took over the focus of the biggest television event in the world and skyrocketed expectations for every Super Bowl henceforth. Every Super Bowl party now has rumblings throughout the room as viewers reminisce about the good ol’ days when great commercials caught them off guard and made them laugh hysterically. Unfortunately the commercials will never live up to the high standards of what we all remember from the turn of the century. As I observed the nature of emotions yesterday, I felt the need to document a few:
- Paul Harvey gave every farmer in America an erection while everyone else in the room stared at each other awkwardly wondering how long this speech was going to be.
- The Budweiser Clydesdale story was touching… almost as touching as the first time I saw it… when it was called War Horse.
- The Go Daddy Kiss commercial marked the first time anyone has ever felt sorry for a supermodel. It was an extremely awkward 15 seconds of tv and not even the supermodel could keep a straight face without cringing, which is amazing because they defiantly had to do more than one take of this.
- In a room full of drunken people, The Super Blackout of 2013 was a catastrophe on par with Katrina.
- Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen are still hilarious, don’t try to convince me otherwise.
- Hey Budweiser, no one is going to buy your shitty attempts at producing high-end beers. Half of America already drinks Bud/Bud Light so maybe you can just stick with that.
- I would go to Montanaland to see this stain, who’s coming with me?
- That pistachio commercial marks the last time we will ever have to see PSY again as his 15 minutes are officially over.
- The E-Trade baby may have Progeria.
- I want to party with those senior citizens and even though I was completely stuffed, I wanted to go out and make a run for the border. Thank you Taco Bell for embracing the fact that the majority of your customers eat at your establishment when they are drunk or high.
- I am rooting for Kevin on “The Office” to lose 150lbs on Subway sandos.
- Audi gives the OK for nerds everywhere to sexually assault the Prom Queen and fight…solid message of “bravery”.