Matt Kemp’s Stock in Vagina Market Plummeted when Bleacher Report broke the news that Los Angeles Dodgers’ Matt “The Bison” Kemp honored his grandparents with a tattoo of their faces on his chest (see pictures at link above). Matt, who is normally reserved when it comes to emotions, uncharacteristically wears his heart on his sleeve with this gesture of genuine gratitude. Unfortunately, the placement of this tattoo may have been a rash decision that will haunt the dreams of every woman (or man) he ever has sex with in the future.
This tattoo is an incredible masterpiece of work by the artist Jun Cha. The detail of every wrinkle and feature is remarkable. However, no matter how good the artist is, the result on human skin is as terrifying as pictures on tombstones from the 1960’s. This tattoo is no exception, as I am sure Rihanna found out this week.
I’m torn on this situation all together. As a SF Giants fan that bleeds orange and black throughout the MLB season, I am required to hate Matt Kemp with a burning passion. He walks around, on and off the field, with an arrogance level in the top echelon of douche-bags. His baseball IQ is embarrassingly low for a guy with as much talent as he possesses. We are talking about a guy that didn’t know who Donnie Baseball (Don Mattingly) was until he was hired as the hitting coach of the Dodgers in 2008. It is mind-boggling to think about how little Kemp knows or cares about baseball history. On the other hand, the guy is hard not to like. I envy the guy for being care free, ridiculously handsome, dating models and pop stars, being one of the hardest workers in baseball, and donating time and money to inner-city youth. With all that said, when it comes to my opinion on this tattoo, I don’t think I can fault Kemp for being anything but plain stupid.
The gesture and artistic work of The Bison’s newest tattoo is amazing, but the placement is where the problem lies. I’m sure he thought this was going to be awesome to see his grandparents everyday he wakes up and sees them in the mirror, reminding him to stay humble beginnings. What he didn’t consider is that everyone that sees him with his shirt off will have three sets of eyes starring at her (or him). Forget ever having sex with the lights on again, unless the girl has a fetish for playing vinegar strokes chicken with old folks. This point on will mark the first time in Kemp’s life that he will have people requesting him to put his shirt back on.